From Charlie Mortleman

These always provide a bit of entertainment, so I hope you’re sitting comfortably…………

Just getting the teams assembled was challenging enough. Permutations were permed, quadratic equations were quadded, and heads were scratched. We had 4 blokes and 2 women, one of whom wanted to go in a ladies team of 3, and whatever happened, not with her husband…………… never, ever, ever……..

So with a firm, decisive and ever so masculine hand I decreed that the teams would be: Mortleman Mrs, Linney Mr, and gorgeous James Smith (now isn’t that new mannish and open minded of me – oohh James, could you just help me over the slippery ramp?); and Mortleman Mr, Big Alan Lewis, and Linney Mrs.

Traditional ‘phone call on Saturday, from Alan: “err don’t think I’ll make it, just on my way home from an eye operation”. “What kind of an excuse is that??” “Well I did check with the doctor but he told me not to mountain bike in an eye patch”.

So we reverted to 3 blokes and a 2 woman team – you are meant to be in 3’s to get an official result.

Tensions were running high on Sunday morning, not due to raging testosterone and competitiveness. No, Andy Linney had locked the keys in the car. Ermm this is going to add a bit of spice to the encounter!

Briefing was err brief: 5km run, 15km ish mountain bike, kayak, 15km mountain bike, 5km run with army style obstacles. I looked at my team mates – 7oaks A team member at Southwater, and European Tri age group qualifier, and apologised in advance for letting them down on the run.

Which I duly did, Sal and Cath getting I guess 2 or 3 minutes ahead on the first run. Onto the bikes and it was clear the hammer was well and truly down, as we effectively 3 up TT’d around the first half of the course, which was pretty flat and open. Desperately holding onto James’ wheel at 20 plus emmm peee aitches on narrow tracks was quite exciting……… we were pretty well balls out. Well the lads’ were just making a little break for freedom; mine were well and truly out and suffering acute gravel rash, as I started to panic about what state I’d be in if I actually survived as far as the second run.

We caught Sal and Cath to encouraging comments of “you won’t keep that up” and “oh don’t say hello then”. I couldn’t breathe, let alone speak! Anyway, we were pretty pleased to have passed loads of bikes as we came into transition and off to the kayak…………….

…………….. or so we thought.

Well imagine our surprise (blow me down with a feather and all that) when as we got into the kayak, Sal and Cath had not only transitioned but kayaked as well – how did that happen? “Oh you must have gone the wrong way” confidently announced the “Queen of Medway”, she of unscheduled diversions up the M2.

The unfortunate upshoot of this was that Andy took off on the second bike lap like a raging bull on steroids, in a mild fit of pique, and aiming to get ahead on his old clunker before myself and James caught up on the more technical second half of the loop. This left James to take on domestique duties, time trialling me round like a punctured TDF rider rejoining the peleton (well a punctured front row forward who inadvertently found himself in the TDF, anyway) – lucky him.

Into transition as the girls were leaving, then hobbled around the second run, with all sorts of encouragement from the lads: emotional, verbal, physical. Nearly lost James part way round as he spotted an allegedly cute marshall – didn’t notice myself… then a waist deep wade through the lake, the 3 man ski plank thingies, under the army net in a big sand pit, a last km or so run with an increasingly animated James yelling us on, over the slippery wall (much discussion of tactics ignored as we just hurled ourselves over it) and then a crawl though a tunnel which unfortunately was marginally narrower than my shoulders (visions of Winnie the Pooh in the back of my mind). Stumbled over the line in a veritable mardi gras of quivering quads and retching, grabbing onto the nearest available object to hold me up, which just happened to be a rather alarmed looking event organiser.

So what of the mystery of the first bike lap? Well, all I can say is that a Garmin trace never lies! And hey, what’s the odd mile or two between friends?

I sent the evidence to my mate motorbike Karl who also did the event – quick as a flash the reply came back : “good detective work - she better be careful if she wants to sh*g the postman!”

Results (164 teams finished)

1.     The tri project - 2:12:57

8.   7oaks muddies (Sal and Cath) - 2:34:55 (well errr emmm well err…..)

15. 7oaks team 265kg - 2:41:05

So actually pretty impressive all round.

(Note even if 10 minutes added to Sal and Cath’s time they would have still been top 20, and next woman’s team were 77^th in 3:18)

Next one 22^nd January

Required:

1 female, preferably with ability to spot big yellow arrows, and to slow Sal and Cath down a bit

1 male loony to go with James and Andy (top 5 result achievable)

1 / 2 males of slightly more gentlemanly persuasion…………